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Pages: my story [1]
Author Topic: My story

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2011-02-08 0-54-37-

my story this is my story. the first love of my life was a girl/woman who I lost in a horrible way, worse than murder. We were together on & off for 6 years, from age 15 to 21. She was given 17 sessions of involuntary ECT at the age of 21, right after her birthday, I was 21 then too. She lost 3 years of consecutive memory & everything prior was piecemeal and she was never who she was again, ever. She was not Jess, and she didn't think she was, either. She was this Other person, for years I ed her in my mind It, Monster- Thing, Horror. Not Jess. Jess' greatest fear in life was that they would do that to her- and they did- and I didn't save her. I never believed they would do it, I reassured her for years that she was being paranoid because her father owuld bring it up. She was still under guardianship of her parents after she turned 18 because she was suicidal and dependent- and after she overdosed this time- they did it- SO after her I just basiy slept with women, didn't get involved because I was brokenhearted, ended up marrying twice and then both marriages ended up in bed death and not just bed death but real emotional death. Numbness. Maybe began that way a little too- And it would be fair to say I avoided women I could be attracted to. Jess was uber-femme and in life I have only been attracted to either the uber-femme or the uber-butch, mostly the latter. I have a serious weakness for butch women. And then 3 months ago this woman came into my life, um just crossing my path kind of thing. Butcher than butch. Butcher than butcher than butch. I didn't even talk to her alone but I fell for her and how could someone know that? She knew. But I only met her twice, around other people. And she ed me and she told me she loved me even though we had never really talked or anything. Which sounds weird. It is weird. But true.
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2011-02-10 4-39-46-

mourning- And they should never have done that to Jessica, she was so scared of ECT, she really was. She used to cry about it when she got drunk because her father kept bringing it up- and we saw this movie she hated ed Betty Blue- and she used to ask me to kill her if she ever became like that "thing"- and I used to chide her like a like she was being crazy- because they would never ever ever do that- would they- how could they- they could never ever do that- but they did- THEY DID!!! She was right- she was prophetic- she knew I think= somehow- because she was SO AFRAID OF IT- SO AFRAID- and it was all about us. They hated me, they hated us, her parents. They were super homophobic, plus I wasn't Jewish. She was Jewish, I was a shiksa. And she was so suicidal because she wanted to come out but she thought she would lose her family. She would say she was ready, that she would come out- then they set her up on dinners with this matrimonially intentioned Rabbi- M-and she went along with it- and Jessica was so scared- the person told me afterwards, she told me that "They told me I fought and screamed and bit them- but I don't remember" and for years that just KILLED me, it just KILLED me, I think it will always kill me somewhat- but I felt so bad I hadn't saved her- I used to replay life over and over, replay life- her last moments on this earth- her last moments- fighting- biting- screaming- the girl/woman I loved with all my heart- and I wasn't there to help her- she used to sneak out of her window in high school, down this tree, to come meet me- she was always afraid to take the last little jump to the ground so she would let herself fall into my arms- and I loved that moment when she fell into my arms- and I used to replay what happened so that I would have gone to take her away- before- so that she would escape with me- come down the tree- into my arms- and away- no has ever mourned her but me- her family likes what she became- and no else knew her- she was wild- and free- and insane- and real-
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2011-02-11 18-19-34

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    2011-02-12 2-11-56-

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    2011-02-13 6-05-13-

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    2011-02-22 16-19-08

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    2011-03-03 7-00-19-

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    2011-04-07 13-48-03

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    2011-06-23 12-31-14

    As a matter of fact.... Yes. Dear god, I have to stop reading this fo' right now. I'm about ready to break my primary rule of being respectful to people. Okay, no, not really. I already broke it. But I'm about to break it off the rest of the way right in someone's ass. Sweet Jesus, why do the fucktards come out on the weekend? And where the hell did dash go? Please god let her come back and kick some ass in that special way of hers.
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  • kean

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    2011-07-31 2-33-12-

    Aprilx, we all have stories Thanks for yours. It's a lot of info to absorb on our first date. Have fun on Thursday.
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    2011-09-08 16-41-22

    Thank you- I intend to-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for not treating me disrespectfully- I appreciate it. Sincerely, Sarah
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    2011-11-08 17-55-09

    Darlin', you are blogging at this point and we don't really know you, and it IS a lot of very personal info to transmit over several posts. If you've been keeping track, today has been a really taxing day on the forum, and I for am a wee bit cranky. Plus, we're battening down here in PDX for a record snow-and-cold snap, so I'm more invested, I'm sure, than I should be.
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    2011-11-21 9-58-19-

    using more words is good. I should try it sometime.
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    2012-03-27 11-21-42

    I always knew you secretly loved dash.
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    2012-04-14 16-10-50

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    2012-07-25 2-43-14-

    I do blink occasionally
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    2012-10-09 2-38-36-

    Around here... ? That's a big mistake.
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    2012-11-05 13-18-55

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    2012-11-11 1-59-05-

    I think half of us do
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  • alcott

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    2012-11-24 0-02-58-

    I should admit I knew Argyles was a troll and didn't warn you guys. She used to troll in Beauty forum (which I used to read for tips about less corporate cosmetic lines like Julie Hewett and Fyrinnae but never post in). I almost alerted you guys to her but figured I would give her a chance to act like an actual human being instead of ing her out and let you guys judge for yourselves and I don't like dragging drama from another forum. They kicked her out of beauty forum for making various comments about neighborhoods, people and beauty schools she perceived as "ghetto". I think she might even be a person of color herself, not sure, but that didn't make her posts any less racist or offensive. She also made similar remarks about immigrants to the remarks she made here. And people were quite horrified and took her to task. She's despised in that forum. It was only a matter of time before she showed her true colors in here. While definitely a troll I believe she is an actual crazy, racist and self loathing person not a persona. But anyway I didn't warn you guys because people can supposedly change.
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    2012-11-26 1-46-45-

    yesterday was the closest the full moon gets to the earth all year.
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    2013-01-26 12-39-30

    maybe thats why all the crazy people are out
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    2013-02-12 19-58-35

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    2013-03-01 20-46-37

    perhaps too much info for first post, perhaps someone checked your posting history? You need serious counseling not strangers on cl. If you were a long term poster, and shared of your most recent problem it would be more realistic. TMI IMHO
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    2013-04-04 7-40-42-

    it's not my first post at all- I don't need serious counseling. I actually became a counselor with the seriously mentally ill because of what happened to her. I am not on any meds nor does my therapist think I need to be. I am very grounded in the choices I have made. My family, my mother, my friends, all support the choices I have made recently. I have many friends, financial stability, a very good life. But you are right. I shouldn't have shared that here. I just didn't know where else in the world I ever could, in a group. Maybe nowhere!! I don't have a recent problem. I have a recent awakening. And I am glad about it. Take care folks- Sarah O. p.s. And my first girlfriend and what happened to her is/was very, very real. And I am glad I have finally come to terms with it-
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  • dulcibelle

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    2013-06-04 10-33-45

    Welcome then, just finally read all your first series of posts above. It was just too much after a bunch of posters looking for "local hookups" not understanding the international forum. I thought I recognized your handle from refo. Believe it or not we get many trolls here, and it may be unsafe to give out so much info here. The refo people troll handles less than the hopeful males thinking they can convert us. Not safe to give out links to more of your real self here. I use a false account for all to protect my family and identity. That is not to say that many of us have not had opportunities to meet each other. But build a little trust before so much info. I have a sister who had much EST or IST for mental illness, I have seen it used improperly too! I've lost friends and family this way too. I'm sorry. Move on and have a great relationship with someone who can love you!
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  • corrow

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    2013-06-08 4-32-13-

    overshare I believe your story, but I think you need to work on your boundary issues. I know that you've been reading this forum for a while so you must know the general level of intensity here, but you kind of ignored it and posted waaaay more info than any of us here needed to know about you. What sort of response were you expecting? And how well did this go over in qfo?
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  • bloor

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    2013-09-23 7-45-42-

    I had a relationship with someone who got entangled in the mental health system. I think therapists can be Ok when they are being compensated by the person they are helping but once you start dealing with institutions and people compensated by the state and insurance not the patient it gets evil fast. He was diagnosed with schizoid personality and gender identity disorder but honestly he was a completely harmless person who I think was just somewhere on the autistic spectrum and androgynous/other than male. They gave him heavy drugs like Haldol and took away a year of his life until his insurance ran out. My sympathies to your friend who had involuntary ECT.
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