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Pages: I will find a way to do this anyway, I'm not [1]
Author Topic: I will find a way to do this anyway, I'm not
Yuji

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2011-02-08 2-58-33-

I will find a way to do this anyway, I'm not that shy and I know how to let a bad minute go (in case that is what happens). I am willing to take a chance so I will find my way to do this, but suggestions might be helpful. From both perspectives, the one who has to get the info across, And the one getting the info, how would you suggest might be the best, or just good, way to let someone know I am interested in her. She is definitly gay and out. -- She doesn't know I'm into women. I've been single a very very long time and most of the people I've dated way back when have been men. I think I've dropped a few little bon mots (if that is the right expression, I'm not sure) that might have opened the door but I'm not sure if they were picked up. I might just come straight out and tell her I am bi but mostly interested in women at this point (really, 100%, not mostly, but I cannot say with absolute certainty that I will never find another male attractive in this lifetime so I say bi). I don't know if that is just too blunt considering that for the 7 months we've known each other, aside from slight suggestions that might have been picked up and left her wondering, she knows me as straight.
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albino

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2011-02-10 9-50-45-

why over complicate things don't be afraid to be yuour self and be honest. who cares how people react, or what they think. just say it already, You like women! thats it, cut and dry. be out and proud! be yourself. get it out, and be happy..don't worry!!!! do it, do it!
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corell

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2011-02-10 14-12-51

That doesn't answer my question at all. You didn't catch my point. It's not about being out to the world. It's about letting this one particular woman know I'm intersested in her. A woman I have a working relationship with, a woman who possibly has no idea that I am into her. Friends etc. have known about this about 2 minutes after I myself figured out I am interested in her. It's not about hiding, from the world, the fact that I'm interested in a women/women. I would have a similar question if she were a guy, it's not a lesbian thing, it's a "how do I let someone know I'm interested in them when they had no idea that it was even possible that could hapeen." It's a bit more shocking if you had no idea it was even a possibility, doncha think? In addition, we see each other on a regular basis and I don't want her to feel awkward after the cat is out of the bag.
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suda

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2011-02-11 9-00-30-

But SciFy's point is dead on. Why complicate things? Invite her out for a cup of coffee. Engage in a conversation and see where things go. Its really quite simple.
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lozon

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2011-02-12 21-38-33

I think it might be more complicated than that for several reasons. She's definity gay and doesn't want to fall for srraight girls. It's happened to her before. It was painful for her and I doubt she'd even consider having a cup of coffee with me if she beleives I'm straight. We have a working relastionship and see each other regularly. There is no, "ah, the first date didn't go well, I never have to see this person again." We will have to see each other several times a week and work together one-on-one at least once a week. It's not like we just met. We met 7 months ago. Finding out 7 months down the line that your perception is not at all relaity based can be a bit mind-blowing (for her) doncha think???? If we had just met, if we didn't have a working relationship, I wouldn't have posted this question here. I will tell her anyway, I will risk our working relastionship. I am not asking whether I should tell her or not. I AM ASKING: HOW to tell her I'm not straight WITHOUT SHOCKING HER after 7 months of knowing me as straight. We talk all the time, sometimes about personal things, relationships, both romantic and filial etc. Other personal feeligs/characteristics. It's a working relationship but we are becoming friends, and friends of a nature that I persoanlly consider more real than just "activity buddies" which is what a lot of "friends" really are. She needs to know First that I am not straight, before I ask her out. Starting out asking her out for coffee before she knows that I'm not straight won't work with this particular woman. So, to reiterate: THE QUESTION IS: How to tell TAKING INTO CONISDERATION all that is mentioned in my posts. THE QUESTION IS NOT: Whether I should be "out" or not, whether I am complicating things (as it already IS complicated). The capitaliztion is for claritly and emphasis, I'm not yealling, I just dont' know how to put text into italics.
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  • reichlin

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    2011-02-13 5-12-47-

    do your friends know you are bi? how did they find out? This is exactly a how do I come out to someone question. Because you will have to come out as bi in order to tell her you like her.
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  • harpe

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    2011-02-24 3-59-17-

    oh and if you are friends and work mates doncha think if you were out to begin with no one would have to be so shocked that you like her.
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  • cockfield

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    2011-03-23 19-34-47

    You have not read anything I posted, have you?
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    parnes

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    2011-03-30 19-10-42

    Oiy! I am not making myself clear. I already said I will tell her. I AM ASKING: HOW to tell her I'm not straight WITHOUT SHOCKING HER after x months of knowing me as straight. We talk all the time, sometimes about personal things, relationships, both romantic and filial etc. Other personal feeligs/characteristics. It's a working relationship but we are becoming friends, and friends of a nature that I persoanlly consider more real than just "activity buddies" which is what a lot of "friends" really are.
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  • pharr

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    2011-06-03 6-51-10-

    I have read your posts and you keep saying she would be shocked if she knew you were not strait. How would you or did you tell your other friends that you were bi? You will have to tell her that in order to tell her that you like her, right? You can't be responsible for other peoples feelings.
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    mauthe

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    2011-06-12 6-23-54-

    My other firends didn't have a vested interest. I wasn't worried about shocking them. I am not a client in their work environtment. There was much less involved and it was much less complicated. I told one friend I have a crush and corrected him when her referred to my crush as a "he." Period, end of story.
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  • fretwell

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    2011-07-08 9-06-46-

    you don't have to tell her you have a crush on her....just say you want to share something personal with her, and admit you sexual orientation. If you are both getting more personal, this is something I'm sure she'd appreciate. Admitting that you care about her at the same time, might be too much initially.
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    swander

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    2011-07-10 9-51-43-

    Thanks. I ahve contemplated this very tactic. Is it the way you'd prefer to find out under these circumstances?
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  • nolen

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    2011-08-21 10-47-01

    well, that is the way I've told close friends who did not know. We have continued to maintain friends. I did not have a crush on them, well some I did, but did not tell them. The crushes subside as the friendships grow. This may also give your crush time to digest the information and you both can still continue to be friends and from there you can see where your friendship goes.
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    pirtle

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    2011-10-06 12-22-41

    could you mention a woman you have previously dated? In a snip of life story kind of way. Mention a lesbian type gathering you plan to attend.
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    chirco

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    2011-12-08 17-35-50

    Or invite her to one instead of coffee. ;-)
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    seabrooks

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    2011-12-13 17-54-43

    You're not going to shock her Seriously, the only way she'll feel weird about your history is if YOU feel weird about your history. Your history will come up as matter of conversation. I understand why you feel it needs some big special announcement, but really? It doesn't, particularly.
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    Bobby

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    2012-02-06 16-29-01

    I don't think there is a way But perhaps off offhandedly mentioning a girlfriend you once had in an appropriate place in the conversation? Or a little rainbow always tips me off. And lastly, instead of asking if she wants a cup op coffee it may be a little more nuanced to say, "Can I take you out for a cup of coffee? (Or drink? Or lunch?)"
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  • deines

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    2012-02-18 8-59-04-

    like nushka said It won't be "shocking" per se, but I can understand your hesitancy.
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    garr

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    2012-05-03 16-03-25

    you are way over thinking this and if you used this many words to tell me, it would scare me off. I'm not trying to pick on you, just keep it short and sweet. How about something like: "hey, you like women, I like women, we're both women.. you see where I'm going here?"
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  • warnell

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    2012-05-06 1-45-32-

    Telling her you're gay in a work setting seems kind of forced. Just be yourself. If you think she's friend material as well as someone you have a crush on, then maybe grab a casual coffee or beer, get to know each other, and talk about your lives. The subject will probably come up naturally. Again, even though you have said this isn't the goal, seeing as she's someone you work with, don't complicate things with the confession of an action and/or the pressure of a "date" and all the baggage that goes with it. If that went south, your working life might take a dive. Calm down. That might help.
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    bryars

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    2012-08-15 3-01-02-

    if you were out to this woman it would not be so impossible that you could be interested in her. right? It would be less shocking doncha think? I would consider the repercussions of making a working situation awkward if she is not in to you. Are you going to be able to continue to work together if you date a couple of times and it does not work out? What if you find you are not that into her after a few dates will your work situation be affected?
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  • shiu

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    2012-11-01 12-57-31

    yeah, I've thought of that, but I'm a risk taker and have an alternate plan anyway. If neitherof us can handle it, I have a way of removing myself from the situation. I am a client where she works, I don't have to be a client there, I can be a client somwewhere else if it comes to that. I'd like to think we could both be adults about it, but you never know for sure when feelings hit too close to the b NOW: for the question I keep asking and keep not getting an asnwer to: HOW do I tell her. Do I just blurt it out? Do I keep dropping hints? IF IT WERE YOU IN THIS SITUATION, IF YOU WERE THE OBJECT OF MY AFFECTION at your job, how would you like to be told? Maybe that is more clear a question.
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  • kapner

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    2012-12-23 6-05-14-

    definetly not while I am working I would not handle it well if I were not able to feel relaxed and comfortable. do it over coffee or say at lunch. and you just gotta say what you are thinking. Hey I like you and would like to go on a date with you sometime.
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    schwalbe

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    2013-02-12 8-57-01-

    See my above post about coffee. You missed that
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    geoffrion

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    2013-02-27 12-54-32

    no I did not. if you are friends like you have said you are. you know talking about relationships and filial things then you should be able to tell her about a girl you dated or a woman you are attracted to. So maybe then she would know you are not strait and would be willing to have coffee with you. However I question your perception that she would not have coffee with a friend if she thought they were strait. Maybe you are not friends after all.
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  • burrington

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    2013-03-27 17-26-13

    I have entertained that very idea, thanks. If it were you in her postion, is tha the way you would like to be told? I will tell her, and letting her know I was in a relationship with a woman wasof the ways I thought of letting her know -- (it was so long ago it almost feels silly mentioning it, but hey . . .) "Maybe you are not friends after all." Very true. I said we are BECOMING friends. We are not there yet. It's more of a "work-friend" situation. I have work-mates, aka co-workers, work-friends, and then there are friends outside of work. We are not friends outside of work, however we are more than the equivalant of "work-mates." She has surprised me a couple of times with the stuff she's talked about. I didn't mind it, I was just caught of guard a little.
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  • Collette

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    2013-04-07 2-03-28-

    Join me for a cup of coffee doesn't mean "lets fuck." Seriously, it doesn't.
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